It’s Complicated…

“It’s complicated – that’s something people say when they don’t want to tell the truth” – This Is Us

It’s complicated…a phase so many of us hide behind, that grey area between yes/no, black/white, together/single, hell it’s even a Facebook relationship status option. But in all truth you don’t have to make it complicated, we all deserve is truth, respect and closure, three things we don’t always receive when a chapter comes to a close unexpectedly. Initially I chose to not write about a recent change in my life, when things shifted I opted to take time to focus on myself – my work, my training, my goal race and my side hustle. Call me selfish but instead of focusing on why this person decided this wasn’t going to work for them I turned the tables and channelled the emotion, energy and time into things that would be good for me.

If one thing is true about this year – even just seven months in – this has been a year of change, evolution, grit and growth for myself both personally and professionally. I met someone in the throws of all of this change as I was starting to get a grasp on things – they say you tend to find what you want when you stop looking for it – this couldn’t be more true. While I was trying to figure things out, I crossed paths with someone from my past, it was refreshing to connect with someone who wasn’t a stranger from the interwebs, although our reconnection may have been sparked by us both swiping right. It all felt effortless, organic and exciting.

“For I was the ocean and he was just a boy who loved the waves but was completely terrified to swim.” – @christopherpoindexter

Someone who says they care about and believe in you should never try to diminish who you are and what you’ve achieved in your life. What I realized as things started to become complicated was that there was possibly an underlying intimidation factor – my personality was too bold, my success was moderately overshadowing and I may have not been as quite/meek as previous women had been. At times I was deemed to have an “attitude” when truly it was probably a combination of my sass and sarcasm that got the better of me – the joys of being half Italian and half Scottish.

Here I was tirelessly supporting this individual to pursue their passions both professionally and personally, I didn’t hesitate for one second to encourage them to chase opportunities. Where the things that had once been seen as attractive – my authentic voice, determination, ambition and success – were now quite possibly hindering my chances in passing the probationary period in my relationship.

At 27 I’ve accomplished at lot on my own with the support of a small army of family and friends who are like family standing behind me every step of the way, not just the support of a singular person. I graduated university with a full-time job,  spent six years navigating an industry that can be pretty cut throat, built a career for myself, started a side hustle, survived a layoff, bought two homes, travelled the world, raced countless road races and triathlons. Throughout it all I’ve been my own cheerleader.

Yes it’s hard being on your own at times, but when it comes down to it I’d rather be on my own then with someone who can’t value everything that I bring to the table.

Allowing 5% of fear/intimidation/anxiety outweigh 95% of moments including our seven year story, a slew of memories and adventures only few would imagine creating in a six month period, in addition to what could have been in the future for us was the ultimate downfall of it all. When I gave the space that was asked for you were surprised, when I tried to communicate I was met with silence and when I tried to find out where the displacement was coming from there were no reasons to be given.

“If being alone has taught me anything then it has taught me how to be strong when needed, how to let go when there’s nothing left to hold on to and how to value myself before giving my love to anyone else. – @rmdrake

The quote that opens this post was one that I came across today when I was watching a preview for a TV show, that quote is the reason that I am finally hitting publish on this post after weeks of writing and re-writing my suppressed feelings/emotions that were a result of all of this. When I heard that line, it all just clicked for me. Similar to the quote, “Space is just a word made-up by someone who’s afraid to get to close.” Life is scary, I am scared too. I was scared to let someone in, scared to share the changes I had been enduring in previous months and scared to get hurt. But for the first time in years I let someone in without having a guard up, probably in part because they weren’t a complete strangre and also in part to the fact that they admired this very place where I am writing these words out to the world right now. They talked a good talk about understanding and appreciating the way that I am, but at the end of the day actions speak louder than words.

Ultimately I hit publish on this post because I hope that if there is an independent, ambitious and hustlin’ woman out there who is being held back or diminished by someone who says they care about you/love you, that you’ll move on. As hard as it can be on your own, you’re much better off doing you and channeling the energy you would use worrying about how someone feels to put towards a way to better your kick-ass self. Be proud of the community of people that stand behind you has you chase your dreams and hustle, the power of many is often greater than that of one person. Wait for someone who is going to want to create memories that you can celebrate together, someone who is going to be proud of your accomplishments versus intimidated and most importantly wait for you at the finish line of any event in your life.

I’m very lucky to have a number of women in my life who are examples to me of everything that you can achieve in your life whether you have found your human or you are on your own. The emotion and energy that I channelled towards myself over the past few months has results in a killer first Olympic distance triathlon, new opportunities at work, being offered a side hustle gig and planning travel adventures with friends from all corners of the country. And yes, I am not perfect, I am human and some tears were shed. Tears were shed out of frustration for everything I thought this could be, for the memories that were brushed aside and for the lack of care that was taken in the end. But there were good tears too – as I crossed the finish line at TTF to be greeted by my run family, as I celebrated a new opportunity for my side hustle and as I finished writing the final lines of this post ready to let this all go.

So here’s to the final ink drying in this chapter, it was full of adventure, memories, laughter, growth and challenges but ultimately I’ll be focusing on myself and my community until I find someone who values my gutsy, sassy and ambitious personality along with the wealth of memories that we create together some day.

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